She is!

She has so many things to do and never enough time to do them, because she can't remember how long each thing takes or how she should handle them. She can't sleep. When she does sleep it's unproductive and frustrating. Work is something she dreads because every moment spent there is another moment of anger, or wasting time. She should be doing something important, dammit. Something better. Not pretending to smile because no one really cares about her problems. She goes through each step of polite niceties because if she doesn't, if she deviates from that set path of 'Hello, how are you?' 'Good, you?' 'Fine. What can I get you?' It might make someone else uncomfortable. The small talk is a necessary thing.

Even though her days are filled with knowing she isn't good enough she pretends, because if she dosen't pretend then they will see it. The ones who snicker and make cow noises as she walks by and the ones who see her as some sort of emotionless animal covered in blubber. They will know that they get to her, and that would be bad. Because if they know that then they will use it, and if they use it they may finally beat her. As long as she hides it from everyone, she is fierce. She is invincible and feral. She will reduce you to tears or speechless looks.

She is every middle-class deadbeat woman who cannot find her place in the world. She is you and mean and anyone else who feels alone because of the hateful snobbery of others. And she is powerful in her own right.

She draws others to her with personality alone. Her smile is quick, her jokes clever. She can go from kindly talking to her best friend to vehemently defending her from another in seconds. She is generous. She loves and feels and laughs. She is delighted by a loving spouse and saddened by the plights of others. She is ambitious, she is stuck. She is confused and hurt but hopeful and healing.

You are beautiful. You are smart and you have talent. Your eyes sparkle with the light of someone who will live and learn and discover new things. You will fall, but you will climb again. Never forget that.

Never.

Sometimes, things just don't work out.

I'm not going to school anymore. I don't want to go into details, because it makes me depressed and I feel horrible enough about it as it is, but what are you gonna do, huh?

The Boyfriend and I are still togeather and going strong. Almost two years now, pretty damn exciting. I'm really glad that I have him through all of these hard times I'm going through.

My mother has become particularly unbareable lately. If you're wondering why I've got so many spelling mistakes it's because she took my laptop. She said she would give it back to me once I cleaned my room, so I cleaned it. It's vaccumed and dusted and the laundry is done. But when I asked if I could have it back she said she'd 'think about it'. Which means I'm probably not getting it back until I pay my dad back for it. Really sucks too, because if I'm seen using dad's laptop (As I am at the moment), I'll get yelled at and lectured. No one's home at the moment so I'm safe.

Mom yells at me for no other reason then she can, it seems. For almost two years I've been coming home in between eleven at night and three in the morning from The Boyfriend's house, and no one has said anything about it. Last week my mother stayed up past two so she could 'catch' me. I would've tried harder to evade her had I known there was anthing to 'catch' me at.

Mom: Did you just get in?!
Me: Uh...Yeah?
Mom: Do you know what time it is?!
Me: Like, almost two?
Mom: So what, this is a regular thing for you?!?!
Me: .... Um...
Mom: You better get your act in gear young lady! And I don't want you -EVER- coming home at two in the morning again!!!
Me: ...I've been doing this for awhile...I don't understand why it's suddenly an issue..
Mom: BECAUSE BEFORE I WAS SLEEPING WHEN YOU CAME IN BECAUSE I HAD WORK IN THE MORNING.
Me: ....

I didn't talk to her for awhile and it seemed to die off. Lat night I came home at one and she didn't say anything. In fact, I haven't changed a damn thing but she's either asleep when I get home or she's forgotten about it. I'm guessing she forgot. She does that.

Then I asked to sit down and talk to her. I said I was sorry for the way I talk to her sometimes but that they way she treats me isn't in any way nice. She said she knew. I told her that I'd like it if she talked nicer to me and treated me with some respect. She said nothing. I told her that her usual meathod of yelling at me and insulting me ('Selfish bitch' Has become my new nickname.) rarely makes me want to do things for her, and she told me I was rude and embaressing.

Understand that. I asked her nicely to treat me a bit better, and she said I was rude and insulting. I broke down in tears to tell her that I hated myself enough, it would be nice to not hear every word out of her mouth be some sort of jab at my personal hygine or my lack of friends or whatever, and she said she knew but didn't at any point say she was sorry or promise to try and do better. So I've reverted to my old meathod of dealing with her. I'm going to avoid her as much as possible and hope she dies in some quick but fatal car accident.

I know what you're thinking. 'That's HORRIBLE. She has BREAST CANCER.' But it's true. I've met lots of people who think their parents are the best people ever, and that's fine. I don't. I remember the nice things my mother has done when I'm not around her. When I am around her, I remember the time she stuck a fork in my brother's hand because he tried to take a peice of her cake. He was seven. Or the time she screamed at me for four hours striaght on my sixteenth birthday because I 'lost' a pair of two-hundred dollar gold hoop earrings I had just gotten, when they were on her nightstand the entire time. Or the time she said I was shaped like a barrel. I have a list of things I could rattle off that would make you see my mother they way I do. But I don't see a point. Think of me as the horrible ungreatful daughter if you'd like, but just think of it this way. The positive things I tell The Boyfriend when I'm trying to defend my mother's actions to him have gotten so repetitive that he'll look at me and finish the story. That's how few of them there are.

Sad, isn't it?

Everything sucks sometimes. (Major angst alert)

I've been so stressed and depressed lately. Nothing seems to be going right, and the things that do go right are marred by the things that don't. I'm tired and sad and even when it seems like I'm not, I am. And it's all kind of boiled down to now, sitting upstairs while my boyfriend is sleeping downstairs because he won't talk to me about what I need to talk about, feeling embarrassed because I grabbed a pajama top with some sort of stain-- probably applesauce-- on it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have no real close friends anymore, no one in the vacinity who I can grab a hot chocolate with and sit down and just cry. I've got Laura, yes, and she is lovely in all of her British wonderfulness, but I can't just dump on her, because she has a lot of her own problems.

K is sick of my problems apparently, so I can't talk to her anymore and even when I can, it is tinged by all the arguments we've been having. Did I tell you she went back to the girlfriend of K? She did. Didn't last more then two days but apparently it has nothing to do with me and her.

I'm sick still. I haven't slept properly in two weeks, my boss is a douche.... I just feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I thought tonight would make things better, maybe I could have a real talk with The Boyfriend about things and maybe tell him how I've been feeling about everything, but all I've gotten is a marathon of big bang theory and a 'Okay, goodnight I guess'. All I want if for him to come up here and hug me and tell me everything will turn out and I'll be okay. But I haven't gotten that.

At the same time I'm angry. Angry at him for not being what I need, not realizing I need him to talk to. Angry at K for the girlfriend of K and not knowing the girl she's decided to date is stupid for ever needing anything besides K and her lovely wonderful perfectness. But I'm mostly angry at myself. I get myself into all kinds of stupid trouble and I shouldn't be moping about like a 16-year old. I'm 20. I'm supposed to be a fucking adult. But it feels like I can't get my fucking act in gear and I hate myself for it.

That's what it kind of comes down to. I hate myself. I'm fat and unattractive and stupid. I'm incapable of running my own life and even when I try to forewarn people about my mistakes, they don't listen. I have no real talents to give me a guide with what my life should be. Everyone usually has that one thing that they both excel at and love, but I don't. I'm not good at math or science. I'm creative, but my creativity doesn't match my skill level and when I try to fix that the results are so horrible that I give up, it feels like there's no point in trying. I'm not overly smart and I'm not incredibly funny, I tread this fine line between good at a lot of things and bad at a lot of things.

The only real skill I have is writing, and even then it's only creative writing. I'm bad at essays or analytical paragraphs or anything that could feasibly make me money. I'm a good writer but not great, but I'm not bad enough to come up with some self-obsessed bullshit like twilight.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

*sigh* This is what the people want. Apparently fatal flaws and personality mean nothing, teenagers want a blank and meaningless person to project themselves onto. Sadly I am incapable of this.

I'm kind of incapable all around, aren't I?

:(

Hmmmmph

Fist snowfall of winter was yesterday everyone!

Anyway. I'm pretty tired lately and I think its the stress of exam times and being sick combined. I feel like I could just sleep for hours and hours.

That's all I feel like writing. You see!? Usually I would go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about why and how I feel tired, but instead, I'm going to go read cracked.com for awhile.

I have bronchitis. RUN FROM ME IN FEAR.

Bronchitis is inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchi, the airways that carry airflow from the trachea into the lungs. Bronchitis can be classified into two categories, acute and chronic, each of which has unique etiologies, pathologies, and therapies.

Acute bronchitis is characterized by the development of a cough, with or without the production of sputum, mucus that is expectorated (coughed up) from the respiratory tract. Acute bronchitis often occurs during the course of an acute viral illness such as the common cold or influenza. Viruses cause about 90% of cases of acute bronchitis while bacteria account for less than 10%.^[1]

Chronic bronchitis, a type of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, is characterized by the presence of a productive cough that lasts for 3 months or more per year for at least 2 years. Chronic bronchitis most often develops due to recurrent injury to the airways caused by inhaled irritants. Cigarette smoking is the most common cause, followed by air pollution and occupational exposure to irritants, and cold air.

*Is Miserable*

I'm sick. It's the unpleasant truth. It's mostly in my throat and head but my stomach has been upset with the world for a few days too. I don't know if it's related to my throat problems or not but I'm willing to wager it is.

The only reason I'm choking down a couple of Advil and sucking on a hall is because I'm pretty sure today is the in-class writing assignment in my design writing class, and the professor said the only way you can miss it is if your doctor writes a note saying you weren't allowed to drag your IV into the class. Keeping that in mind, sick me is going to go in. I won't be happy about it, but I'll go.

Whenever I'm sick I always get that strange sensation that everyone and everything around me exist in a light fog. Like my mom, standing taking the nail polish off her fingernails. There's a strange quality of unreality to her movements.

I'm never sure if this is a high from medicine or my brain seeing things oddly while sick, but it's not a pleasant experience. It's like I'm the only normal one and everyone else is a little off. A little slower then they're supposed to be and a little blurry, like when i have one contact in and one out.

Of course I know it's me who is a little off. But it feels like it's the rest of the world and maybe that's okay when you're sick.

Jezze

Aye aye aye.

So much drama today. Amber's boyfriend is still a dork, I argued with The Boyfriend yesterday because I like to be needy once and awhile but it wasn't happening, because appearntly I don't compete with homework, and Now K's girlfriend has broken up with her and stupid me is on the other side of the country.

Jezze. Relationships fail once and awhile, you know? The Boyfriend's got school tonight and work before that, and I don't want to text him first because honestly, I'm still upset. He did homework for three hours straight and barely talked to me, and when I tried to get attention for the last half an hour before I had to go to bed he shrugged me off. So I went to bed.

I'm not kidding. I got changed, set my alarm, got into bed and shut off the light. Because if he can shrug me off then goddamnit, I can shrug him off. My dramatic 'Fuck you buddy' was marred when my mom made me get up to walk him to the door, but I think the message was pretty clear.

K's girlfriend has been pretty much the only wedge between her and I in the course of our friendship. I've always had a bit of a problem with her, but factors piled upon one another until I went from having a problem to really not liking her. But Because I love K I only brought it up once and awhile, not every time the girlfriend of K did something I disapproved of. Which was fairly often.

K lives in Alberta, far away from where the girlfriend of K lives, which is Indiana. I think? I can't remember, because I only really remember things I like. She lives far, is what I'm getting at.

Then they decided to have an 'Open' long distance relationship. So you know, they can date other people while dating one another. This always boggeled my mind, because I am a spiteful, jealous person and If I ever had an inkling that The Boyfriend was interested in someone else, she and all her friends would be stabbed. HE IS MY THE BOYFRIEND, THANKS.

So I guess yesterday the wonderful and soul-consuming K told the girlfriend of K that no, she's not okay with an open relationship, and was basically told by the now ex-girlfriend of K that she wasn't enough. I'm very pissed off on K's behalf. I am on the verge of calling her. But you know, she works and shit. So Instead I've thrown myself into homework. And it's coming along quite well, actually.

*Sleepy*

I'm really tired.

I got home and into bed at one in the morning and had problems falling asleep because it was one of those times when your like "Goddamn it brain, go to sleep!" And your brain goes "Haha, NO! *:D*" (Source).

Then I finally fell asleep, but woke up again at four twenty-one in the morning. I didn't understand why but my nose felt funny. Like it was running.

I pressed the palm of my hand against my nose, pulled it back and reveled a dark blemish on my hand. Great. A nosebleed at four in the morning. That is just epic.

So I got up and ran to the bathroom, hand on my nose and a bit of panic in my heart, and stopped the bleeding. However, it felt like it was still bleeding so I stood there for an hour making sure it wasn't. When I went back to bed it was almost five.

What a fantastic way to start my day.

*Sigh*

I sprained my ankle again, and it hurts like a mother. I've got bad ankles that make me walk like a duck because the ligaments are too short, so I have a bad habit of rolling them and spraining them. Today when I was at work my left foot seemed to magically find the only grape on the floor in the produce section, and I went down hard.

I was lying there for about a minute before some guy came over and helped me up. I honestly thought I had finally broken it like the defective little twig it is, but nay. My ankle has held strong. It's painful and I've been limping and crying for six hours because of it. The Boyfriend wants to bring me to the doctor but I don't see a point if it's not broken.

My computer ate one of my assignments yesterday, and doing it over again is so hard because my brains like "What? No, you finished this already silly. Go read cracked.com and have some fun!". I doubt I'm going to get it done and i may have to take a zero, because honestly I am going to kill myself if i have to do this over again. 14 hours I spent on the damn thing, then poof, gone.

I need a nap.

Well.

My birthday started out win.

Now it's epic fail. And I can't sleep.

I just wish all the drama would happen on someone else's birthday, and not mine.

When I tuned 18, one of the girls I invited brought my ex-best friend. She got a phone call from her boyfriend saying he was coming to get her right now, and my ex best friend made the logical assumption that her mom was dead. She burst into tears right there in the restaurant, and I had no idea what to do.

Then, for yesterdays birthday, one of the girls I invited is Laur-rah-rah's ex girlfriend, who is dating one of my best friends, and Laur-rah-rah dosen't like it. Nor do I, because Said best friend is 21 and the girl he's dating is 17.

Now I find out he loves her, and since I'm not cool with the two of them i know I'm not going to be seeing him much anymore.

So I blocked him and de-friended him and whatnot, to avoid him having to choose and me feeling like crap when he doesn't choose me. Because i wouldn't expect him to choose me over the girl he loves.

Even if the girl is 17 and therefore illegal, has been dating him for a month, lives on the other side of the province and hasn't actually seen him in the time they've been dating.

Now I can't sleep cause I'm so upset. I thought maybe blogging would help but.... Maybe not. What I really need is to talk to someone about it, but The Boyfriend and the beauteous and busty K are sleeping and....I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just destined to not have friends.

This may not have helped. But I feel a little better and maybe I'll actually get some sleep before i wake up at seven tomorrow.

Honestly, why can't shit like this happen on...not my birthday.

I'll explain more later. Right now, I need to try to sleep.