She is!

She has so many things to do and never enough time to do them, because she can't remember how long each thing takes or how she should handle them. She can't sleep. When she does sleep it's unproductive and frustrating. Work is something she dreads because every moment spent there is another moment of anger, or wasting time. She should be doing something important, dammit. Something better. Not pretending to smile because no one really cares about her problems. She goes through each step of polite niceties because if she doesn't, if she deviates from that set path of 'Hello, how are you?' 'Good, you?' 'Fine. What can I get you?' It might make someone else uncomfortable. The small talk is a necessary thing.

Even though her days are filled with knowing she isn't good enough she pretends, because if she dosen't pretend then they will see it. The ones who snicker and make cow noises as she walks by and the ones who see her as some sort of emotionless animal covered in blubber. They will know that they get to her, and that would be bad. Because if they know that then they will use it, and if they use it they may finally beat her. As long as she hides it from everyone, she is fierce. She is invincible and feral. She will reduce you to tears or speechless looks.

She is every middle-class deadbeat woman who cannot find her place in the world. She is you and mean and anyone else who feels alone because of the hateful snobbery of others. And she is powerful in her own right.

She draws others to her with personality alone. Her smile is quick, her jokes clever. She can go from kindly talking to her best friend to vehemently defending her from another in seconds. She is generous. She loves and feels and laughs. She is delighted by a loving spouse and saddened by the plights of others. She is ambitious, she is stuck. She is confused and hurt but hopeful and healing.

You are beautiful. You are smart and you have talent. Your eyes sparkle with the light of someone who will live and learn and discover new things. You will fall, but you will climb again. Never forget that.

Never.

Everything sucks sometimes. (Major angst alert)

I've been so stressed and depressed lately. Nothing seems to be going right, and the things that do go right are marred by the things that don't. I'm tired and sad and even when it seems like I'm not, I am. And it's all kind of boiled down to now, sitting upstairs while my boyfriend is sleeping downstairs because he won't talk to me about what I need to talk about, feeling embarrassed because I grabbed a pajama top with some sort of stain-- probably applesauce-- on it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have no real close friends anymore, no one in the vacinity who I can grab a hot chocolate with and sit down and just cry. I've got Laura, yes, and she is lovely in all of her British wonderfulness, but I can't just dump on her, because she has a lot of her own problems.

K is sick of my problems apparently, so I can't talk to her anymore and even when I can, it is tinged by all the arguments we've been having. Did I tell you she went back to the girlfriend of K? She did. Didn't last more then two days but apparently it has nothing to do with me and her.

I'm sick still. I haven't slept properly in two weeks, my boss is a douche.... I just feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I thought tonight would make things better, maybe I could have a real talk with The Boyfriend about things and maybe tell him how I've been feeling about everything, but all I've gotten is a marathon of big bang theory and a 'Okay, goodnight I guess'. All I want if for him to come up here and hug me and tell me everything will turn out and I'll be okay. But I haven't gotten that.

At the same time I'm angry. Angry at him for not being what I need, not realizing I need him to talk to. Angry at K for the girlfriend of K and not knowing the girl she's decided to date is stupid for ever needing anything besides K and her lovely wonderful perfectness. But I'm mostly angry at myself. I get myself into all kinds of stupid trouble and I shouldn't be moping about like a 16-year old. I'm 20. I'm supposed to be a fucking adult. But it feels like I can't get my fucking act in gear and I hate myself for it.

That's what it kind of comes down to. I hate myself. I'm fat and unattractive and stupid. I'm incapable of running my own life and even when I try to forewarn people about my mistakes, they don't listen. I have no real talents to give me a guide with what my life should be. Everyone usually has that one thing that they both excel at and love, but I don't. I'm not good at math or science. I'm creative, but my creativity doesn't match my skill level and when I try to fix that the results are so horrible that I give up, it feels like there's no point in trying. I'm not overly smart and I'm not incredibly funny, I tread this fine line between good at a lot of things and bad at a lot of things.

The only real skill I have is writing, and even then it's only creative writing. I'm bad at essays or analytical paragraphs or anything that could feasibly make me money. I'm a good writer but not great, but I'm not bad enough to come up with some self-obsessed bullshit like twilight.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

*sigh* This is what the people want. Apparently fatal flaws and personality mean nothing, teenagers want a blank and meaningless person to project themselves onto. Sadly I am incapable of this.

I'm kind of incapable all around, aren't I?

:(

Still friggen sick!

I only realized this weekend that I don't post much when I'm not going to school. Usually that's because I'm working and blogging before hand feels forced, but i had no excuse yesterday--No work! I actually got a Sunday off for once!

But because I was still sick and miserable on Saturday I did a horrible job closing and I just know it's going to come back and bite me in the ass. Of course I could try to tell them it was only partially my fault, Xal called me at seven twenty-one in the morning to ask if I was coming in for my shift---At three in the afternoon.

Yeah, it's the little things people. The little things make me hate individuals.

Anyway, I have to leave for class now, but before I go, a little something to start your day.



Mumph. Oh yeah baby :D

Jezze

Aye aye aye.

So much drama today. Amber's boyfriend is still a dork, I argued with The Boyfriend yesterday because I like to be needy once and awhile but it wasn't happening, because appearntly I don't compete with homework, and Now K's girlfriend has broken up with her and stupid me is on the other side of the country.

Jezze. Relationships fail once and awhile, you know? The Boyfriend's got school tonight and work before that, and I don't want to text him first because honestly, I'm still upset. He did homework for three hours straight and barely talked to me, and when I tried to get attention for the last half an hour before I had to go to bed he shrugged me off. So I went to bed.

I'm not kidding. I got changed, set my alarm, got into bed and shut off the light. Because if he can shrug me off then goddamnit, I can shrug him off. My dramatic 'Fuck you buddy' was marred when my mom made me get up to walk him to the door, but I think the message was pretty clear.

K's girlfriend has been pretty much the only wedge between her and I in the course of our friendship. I've always had a bit of a problem with her, but factors piled upon one another until I went from having a problem to really not liking her. But Because I love K I only brought it up once and awhile, not every time the girlfriend of K did something I disapproved of. Which was fairly often.

K lives in Alberta, far away from where the girlfriend of K lives, which is Indiana. I think? I can't remember, because I only really remember things I like. She lives far, is what I'm getting at.

Then they decided to have an 'Open' long distance relationship. So you know, they can date other people while dating one another. This always boggeled my mind, because I am a spiteful, jealous person and If I ever had an inkling that The Boyfriend was interested in someone else, she and all her friends would be stabbed. HE IS MY THE BOYFRIEND, THANKS.

So I guess yesterday the wonderful and soul-consuming K told the girlfriend of K that no, she's not okay with an open relationship, and was basically told by the now ex-girlfriend of K that she wasn't enough. I'm very pissed off on K's behalf. I am on the verge of calling her. But you know, she works and shit. So Instead I've thrown myself into homework. And it's coming along quite well, actually.

The early bird doesn't always get the worm. Somtimes it ends up late.

I woke up early this morning to print off the first major writing assignment for design writing. It's basically a course teaching you how to write concept statements about your work, and the best way to explain to a client what you were trying to accomplish. Class starts at nine so I got to the school twenty minutes early to be sure printing it off wouldn't be a problem.

It was. The first time I tried it printed, but half of my picture was cut off. I took a picture for you.


It's not readable, but you can clearly see only half of a picture. Not even half.

So I went to the IT guy who did the same thing and once again, half the picture shows but not the rest. I'm irritated. So I gave the paper I had to my professor and she seemed fine with it, which makes me happy. She just told me to send the full thing to her online so she can mark it properly.

But I spent almost an hour trying to print it and getting the IT guy's help. So do the math. I got there twenty minutes early but showed to class forty minutes late. Go me.

It's really overcast and rainy this morning, but i like it. Besides the fact that my right foot is soaking wet because there's a hole in the sole of my runner, I like rain. I don't like getting wet from rain, but rain itself if beautiful and always makes me smile.

But the rain got me thinking about how unhappy a lot of people are on overcast days, and that got me to thinking about the free hugs campaign. I thought about how something so simple and easy could brighten someone day and how I wanted to be a part of that.

Not hugs though. I feel like that could get me in some serious trouble with my parents. No, I want to do something that might not be huge to most people but will give them a glimmer of happy thoughts. And I want to be able to do it with someone, a few friends maybe.

I was sitting at the bus, watching cars whiz past when I came up with an idea. And all because of these.

They're rainbow stickers. Of smiley faces.

The Boyfriend bought them for me way back and I haven't used them all because even just seeing them makes me smile. So then I thought 'You know what would be cool? Stickers for smiles.'

So now I keep thinking of doing something where me and a few other people spend some money and buy some stickers. Then we go somewhere crowded and just hand them out to people with the condition that they smile.

I think it would be a great way to maybe meet some people, and maybe make someone's day. And I think I might try to do it. I doubt The Boyfriend would want to but... I really do.

Also, the CMO mascot is Ceemo. K chose it. :)

Whoop, there it is!

Humm, I double posted last night. Stupid scheduling thing...

Anywho, I only have a few minutes before I head to school, and I was sitting on my hands so three of my fingers are asleep, so I'm going to just do this, until I get to school and can write more.

First, this.



*"IT GOES ON, AND ON AND ON AND ONNNN!"*

*Cough*
Now this!



*"SHES A KILLER, QUEEEEEEEN!"*
*Clears throat*
Andddddd...This.



*Sigh*....

Yes. Perfect. :)

RAWR

It's been a long time since I posted. Well not now, cause i just put something up, but I feel guilty. Every time I do something that isn't posting on here I feel it's a little bit of time wasted. So I'll do a bunch of updates at once! Wheeee!

Work has been hell lately, and the main reason for my lack of posting. I've worked four days in a row, which is crazy fro me, and there's a lot of pressure to preform well. Xal went on vacation for 11 days. This was a stupid thing for him to do, because the lobster tank is being taken out and sent to the company to be fixed, and the seafood manager--Not for the district, or the region, but for the country--Is coming in today. I spent all of last night polishing chrome and cleaning floors. The department looked great when I left, but I'm still paranoid that I didn't do a good enough job and I'm gonna get the girl who opened in trouble.

Everyone's been so stressed at work about this guy coming in that the pressure has trickled down from the store manager to the lowly part-timer (Me). It's ridiculous how much I scrubbed last night. I didn't even get to the cooler cause I started at 3, and it was a little worse because I haven't had a break from work in four days, each shift a closing and each at least six hours long. I haven't been able to hang out with The Boyfriend very long, or Laura at all. It makes me sad.

School isn't helping my stress level either. I'm getting a 90 in design writing, 87 in digital illustration, 73 in art of photography and a 68 in history of media. I'm pretty much failing the three other courses. I've been missing school because of my mom but I feel like every time i say it I'm making excuses. I'm just not handling the course load very well. Of course no one knows this, I don't talk about it to anyone but K. But I feel bad when I do because she's got her own things going on.

Mom...Well. She's lost all her hair now so she's been pretty down but she seems to be getting over it. And she had another Chemo treatment on Monday. She'll be sick today and tomorrow.

I'm not handling things well but I think most people think I am. I just really don't want to talk about it, and every time someone brings it up I do my best to answer their questions and change the subject in the most impolite way possible. If I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up. I don't want to be grilled. And while I understand they're just concerned it doesn't change the fact that I'm not really comfortable talking about it. Except with K. And The Boyfriend, though he doesn't know it. He's pretty much the best boyfriend ever and I'm so lucky to have someone willing to drop everything to be my knight in shining armor, or to deal with the times I just randomly snap at him because I'm stressed and he's there. I love him so much...

Bah, now I sound sappy. And I want cuddles. Pah.

WWQ---Commitment post

I can't give any details, but I'm starting a WWQ with Katie on Monday, and I think I'm going to do the updates every two days.

Part of the WWQ is we can't discuss it with others---So here is the format for the posts.

Day-(Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday)

Did you cheat?
K-Yes/No
Tamara-Yes/No

Which rule did you break?
K-(Number of rule broken if applicable)
Tamara-(Number of rule broken if applicable)

Punishment
K-(Punishment given if applicable)
Tamara-(Punishment given if applicable)

Side notes
This will include rules that may be adjusted, previous punishments and the reactions to them, and anything else that will make us laugh and encourage us.

Numbers, anyone?
K-(Number)
Tamara-(Number)

Well.

My birthday started out win.

Now it's epic fail. And I can't sleep.

I just wish all the drama would happen on someone else's birthday, and not mine.

When I tuned 18, one of the girls I invited brought my ex-best friend. She got a phone call from her boyfriend saying he was coming to get her right now, and my ex best friend made the logical assumption that her mom was dead. She burst into tears right there in the restaurant, and I had no idea what to do.

Then, for yesterdays birthday, one of the girls I invited is Laur-rah-rah's ex girlfriend, who is dating one of my best friends, and Laur-rah-rah dosen't like it. Nor do I, because Said best friend is 21 and the girl he's dating is 17.

Now I find out he loves her, and since I'm not cool with the two of them i know I'm not going to be seeing him much anymore.

So I blocked him and de-friended him and whatnot, to avoid him having to choose and me feeling like crap when he doesn't choose me. Because i wouldn't expect him to choose me over the girl he loves.

Even if the girl is 17 and therefore illegal, has been dating him for a month, lives on the other side of the province and hasn't actually seen him in the time they've been dating.

Now I can't sleep cause I'm so upset. I thought maybe blogging would help but.... Maybe not. What I really need is to talk to someone about it, but The Boyfriend and the beauteous and busty K are sleeping and....I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just destined to not have friends.

This may not have helped. But I feel a little better and maybe I'll actually get some sleep before i wake up at seven tomorrow.

Honestly, why can't shit like this happen on...not my birthday.

I'll explain more later. Right now, I need to try to sleep.

ALERT! ALERT! SITUATION CRITICAL!

*Flails*

Eekkkkk.

Badbadbadbad VERY BAD.

So, Uh... Okay. I was online today, minding my own business and reading some blog posts, when I got an email from Facebook. I'm never really on Facebook, but I get lots of emails from people poking and prodding me and whatnot, so I fuigred what the hell, and clicked on it. I see this:

DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?! DO YOU?!

Of course you don't, I haven't told you and I made the name all blurry.

IT'S THE BOYFRIEND'S GRANDMOTHER, YOU GUYS!

*Panic*

She is one of the nicest old ladies ever, right? Like, adorable and sweet and all that great crap, which is why I do not want her reading my Facebook! Because on the one hand, if I post something like... I dunno...

Me: Tamara-Wow gys i aM SoooOooo wated righ now!

I don't want it to tun into this.

Me: Tamara-Wow gys i aM SoooOooo wated righ now!
The Boyfriend's grandma: Bestgranever1: Interesting, what you choose to do on a Tuesday morning.*

I'm pretty sure I would not only die of shame, but I'd end up being dumped by The Boyfriend. And I don't want that to happen!

On the other hand, if I quietly ignore her as the site suggests she's going to KNOW. And then she'll be suspicious that I'm saying things that she wouldn't want to know and that's why I'm not adding her. This is exactly correct but I don't want her to know but ultimately, she'll know either way.... I'm rambling. It's because of the panic.

The way I see it there are two was this can go down.

1) I can add her and let her see exactly how horrible I am (God knows his mom already does, I was bullied into adding her), and hope that she either won't pay much attention or won't be able to see cause she left her glasses somewhere. This way, I risk her becoming overprotective and therefore, perhaps have tension with The Boyfriend's Family rise.
2) I can ignore her, wich will have one of two consequences.
2a) She will forget about it and move on.
2b) She'll start imagining the horrible things I might be doing that I don't want her to know about, picturing me torturing kittens, binge drinking and pushing her grandson down flights of stairs while telling him it's his fault. None of these things happen, but she is a grandma, it's their job to freak out over little stuff.

None of these options appeal to me. I don't know what to do, and the beautiful and all-knowing K is at some sort of shindig in which she will not answer my textually rendered pleas for help. The Boyfriend..Well he went to a wedding with the bio-dad, and was supposedly home an hour ago, but he's not answering texts either and it's worrysome for me. I'm hoping he just forgot his phone.

*Sigh* BAH.

*(NOTE: I don't do this. This is an exaggeration of what may occur. The last time I got drunk was my 19th birthday, and if you need to know how long ago that was I turn twenty on the second of November. That's right bitches.)

Thanksgiving!

Ha! Thanksgiving is always an ordeal for me, mostly because of what goes on.

Every year my entire family bundles into the car and heads to my grandma Mac Donald’s house, which is my dad’s side of the family, and all the characters from that side gather together to play out our own twisted version of a family reunion.

There’s always far too much food and far too many beers going around for anything even remotely normal. One year my parents start talking about embarrassing stories of my childhood, next year it’s my brothers’ turn and the next year they’re discussing my dads’ teenage antics. It seems to cycle, though once and awhile they mix it up with tales of how pathetic my uncle mike is.

This year is particularly nerve-wracking because I’m bringing The Boyfriend with me, and I can’t remember if last thanksgiving was my uncle mike or my brother. All I know for sure is last year was not embarrassing stories of me. I’m very, very nervous.

But also, excited. Because The Boyfriend can protect me from my cousin Jess, who is twenty-six and hits on me. He started out cool, and then became more and more creepy as his lack of friends began to affect him mentally. Hopefully, boyfriend being around will protect me from “Am I your favorite cousinnnn?” and “Look at this (Random Japanese) game (with horrible translations)!!” He honestly creeps me out so much it’s not even funny…

And then there’s cousin Nick, who is socially retarded. I can remember him dealing with many situations where he didn’t get what he wanted by throwing himself on the ground and screaming, and he’s almost thirteen. Or is thirteen, at this point…I don’t remember. Or I don’t care. It’s hard to decide.

He’s been pretty much raised by my grandparents and aunt Michelle, who’s…. different. I guess when you don’t have any friends outside of your family until elementary school; some social wiring gets all mixed up.

Well, We’ll see how this goes…

****Later*****

Jess isn’t here. I am so much more thankful (Haha, holiday puns) then anyone could imagine.

My family is great and warm and whatnot, though Peggy ticks me off. She’s some sort of cousin or aunt or great aunt or something (All I know for sure is she’s jess’s mom. *nod*). Anyway, every year since I discovered the internet was a good way to avoid awkward conversations, Peggy has marched into the room and asked me to look up whatever wedding pictures she happens to want to show everyone.

And every year since I’ve had a laptop, she’s asked me to use my computer to show her pictures.

This makes me so mad. It’s my laptop. There’s a perfectly good home computer she can use, but no. I get to sit, stewing in my own rage, for up to half an hour while The Boyfriend gets to play games on the home computer. I don’t try to disguise my rage, either. I’m perfectly comfortable glaring at the two people left as they try to figure out who belongs to which baby.

The great and terrible K was the only thing keeping me from saying “So whose getting married next year that no one cares about?”

Dinner was great, as it is every year. I love turkey skin…Nom nom.

Pretty uneventful otherwise. Cept my dad showed my uncle and The Boyfriend ‘Treevenge’…

DON’T LOOK IT UP.

DON’T.

DELEATED

DELEATED

Say whatttt?

So I’ve decided to start a blog.

I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve been reading This Blog and her hilarity has spurred me into action. I’m not sure what to start with…Hmmm.

So this is all K’s fault. I refuse to use her name, cause if I do and she happens to make any of her friends read this, they will know quickly and immediately that not only do I disapprove, I downright despise. Nay Nay, K’s friends. Nay nay.

K is fantastic.

Right off the bat I’m gonna let you know that I’m not a tiny girl by any means (Nor am I oprah-worthy, however. I must find my fame in other avenues…), I’m big. Big girls are much more fun, because we know that no matter what you say to us someone else in a few years or months or whatever is going to come up with a more unique and original way of making fun of us. So really, have fun while you can. One day my many children will crush you, because I have lots of sex.

ANYWAY.

Yes, K is my best friend. I found quite quickly I am horrible at making real life friends. They’re all self centered or two faced or start liking my other friends more then me. Since I can turn that into a whole blog post, I’m not going to get into it too much. But K was my first real Internet Best Friend.

It all started because I’m a huge damn nerd and write fan fiction.

Yes, damnit, I write fan fiction. Through the incredible depths of fanfiction.net I realized that there are some fucked up people in this world. For instance, my most popular work on fanfiction.net was a Buffy the vampire fic that was spuffycentric and AU (alternate universe) it was mostly song lyrics. Yes. Song lyrics in a story.

In my defense, I was like, thirteen when I started writing it and had very little comprehension of ‘Words’ and ‘Plot’. These things were so foreign to me I spent most of my time sticking whatever song I happened to like into the story.

Off topic again? Bah. This is going to be more random then I thought…

I’d written a story for Torchwood (And if you know what that is, I point at you and yell either ‘Nerd’ or ‘BRITISH PERSON’ at you) And mentioned I needed a beta because all my other potential betas were just lonely people in my head, who were no better at grammar and spelling then I was. A beta is someone who proofreads a story chapter by chapter until you curl into a ball, crying, because you are bad at wording or writing or whatever it was you happened to be trying to accomplish when you started out. Why I wanted one confuses me to this day, but through this quest I met my braintwin.

We began exchanging E-mails after she left a review on my Torchwood story,. I was honest with her and told her the only reason I was writing this particular non-graphic slash fiction was because my favorite show had to main male leads, but they were brothers, and the idea of incest did not appeal to me in any way shape or form. I believe I referred to it as ‘Squicky’.

She almost had a panic attack, because she was the same way. Supernatural was our love. Sam and Dean and the impala and bobby (Booby!) And Cas and Chuck and John! ARGH! I’m getting all fluttery just talking about it.

We then proceeded to talk more and more about us.

Me: You like Pizza, y/n?

K: Y!

Me: You like Hawaiian pizza, y/n?

K: Y!!!

Me: OMG

Yes, we’re very, very deep.

We soon discovered we like most of the same shows, adore classic rock and Nickleback but are really, very varied in our musical tastes, and our relationships (All three or so of them) were creepily mirroring one another. I was in love.

Sadly, K lives in the deep netherverse (Alberta), and only once have our two universes collided so we can talk outside of out dimension portals (The internet and phone) We were already in our second year of best-friendom when her and her family went to New York for some rest and relaxation. On the way back they had a two-hour layover in Toronto, which is an hour away from yours truly.

I took two trains and two buses to get to the airport. Then I stood (Okay, paced and bounced around impatiently) At where I thought she would be coming out with my friend Tim, who was infinitely patient and kept me company because The Boyfriend didn’t want to come (Had to work).

I was wrong of course, and she found me. Our first face-to-face conversation went something like this.

Me: HI!

K: HI!

Me: *Flails*

K: *Flails more*

Tim: *-_-‘*

Me: *Makes squeaky noises while flailing*

K: *Flails while making squeaky noises*

Tim: :0

The rest of our hour and a half visit was spent giggling and laughing and nervous shuffling. Her parents commented often on how damn alike we are. We’re fabulous.

She then returned to the netherverse, and I haven’t seen her since.

I miss my K.