She is!

She has so many things to do and never enough time to do them, because she can't remember how long each thing takes or how she should handle them. She can't sleep. When she does sleep it's unproductive and frustrating. Work is something she dreads because every moment spent there is another moment of anger, or wasting time. She should be doing something important, dammit. Something better. Not pretending to smile because no one really cares about her problems. She goes through each step of polite niceties because if she doesn't, if she deviates from that set path of 'Hello, how are you?' 'Good, you?' 'Fine. What can I get you?' It might make someone else uncomfortable. The small talk is a necessary thing.

Even though her days are filled with knowing she isn't good enough she pretends, because if she dosen't pretend then they will see it. The ones who snicker and make cow noises as she walks by and the ones who see her as some sort of emotionless animal covered in blubber. They will know that they get to her, and that would be bad. Because if they know that then they will use it, and if they use it they may finally beat her. As long as she hides it from everyone, she is fierce. She is invincible and feral. She will reduce you to tears or speechless looks.

She is every middle-class deadbeat woman who cannot find her place in the world. She is you and mean and anyone else who feels alone because of the hateful snobbery of others. And she is powerful in her own right.

She draws others to her with personality alone. Her smile is quick, her jokes clever. She can go from kindly talking to her best friend to vehemently defending her from another in seconds. She is generous. She loves and feels and laughs. She is delighted by a loving spouse and saddened by the plights of others. She is ambitious, she is stuck. She is confused and hurt but hopeful and healing.

You are beautiful. You are smart and you have talent. Your eyes sparkle with the light of someone who will live and learn and discover new things. You will fall, but you will climb again. Never forget that.

Never.

Har

So my huge sob-fest the other day has made me feel a bit better. Even if no one reads this blog, I got it out in the open, wrote it all down and it's had a...cleansing effect, I guess you could say. I feel lighter.

Which is why I'm going to bring up more stickers for smiles!

Laura the wonderful and I sat down and thought up some places for us to try stickers for smiles. She's the only one to agree to help me out on this which is nice, cause I don't want to do it by myself.

Places we've thought of:

The Mall-It is indoors and therefore, warm (CON-potential legal issues?)

On Durham college campus- This works cause it’s not like they’re going to kick us off, but Do college kids actually like stickers? Besides me, anyway?

Holy Trinity (Laura's high school)-God knows angst-ridden teens need smiles. (HA! Religion pun!)

Huh. We really didn't come up with a lot of places.

Well in our defense, just randomly outside isn't really an option, seeing as the true Canadian winter has begun in the Greater Toronto Area and, while I want to make the world a better place, handling stickers while wearing mitts is hard.

Thank you Ceemo, that's helpful. :)

Anyway, I think I'm going to kidnap Laura sometime today and try to get her to think of more. Maybe we can work on a logo for Stickers for smiles. :)

Whootwhoot.

So I took a pretty quick catnap after class today, in between getting picked up by The Boyfriend and arriving at his house. He put on Fallout: New Vegas and played that while I slept--Until four. Holy crap man, I got there around one. a three hour catnap.

I only woke up because the Boyfriend put his freezing video gamer hands on my tummy to wake me up to go to Doug's house. Do you know who Doug is? No? I'll tell you.

Doug is The Boyfriends best friend who I was told about so many times before I actually met him. At the time The Boyfriend hadn't seen Doug for almost a year but still considered him his best friend, and I was pretty much told I wouldn't like Doug but he was a huge nerd and therefore awesome.

Only the second half was true. Doug is funny and mean but great. He's...You know House? The doctor? He's like that but not quite. He loves Soundgarden and Tool and Grunge bands.



This video is so creepy but he just watched it so I wanna see.

Anywho, The Boyfriend bought Doug some rum and the two of them are drinking it while I'm the DD. This is our communal birthday meet-up which has consisted of us listening to grunge music and watching some Futurama while waiting for Pizza, it's pretty fun. I'm not a big drinker anyway so I'm okay with not partaking in the alcohol. Plus I get to watch the two of them wrestle so... Yay :) Epically since Doug is Bi---He used to be gay but then he got a girlfriend who he had a lot of sex with, so now he's apparently bi. Good for him.

Anyway, he's rather fantastic and he demanded I write a blog post about him, and he's much more entertaining when drunk. The Boyfriend and Doug together just make the day that much better.

Wow, lots of posting.

I'm very glad to be me.

I'm not the smartest but I'm not stupid either. I have a great family for the most part, even though things aren't going so well with us I cans till sit back and look at the parents I have and the brother that annoys me and think I did pretty well. We have money. We're not rich but we're comfortable and that's all that really matters to me.

If I do well in this course I will come out of it with a good job. I want that in life. I want to be comfortable enough to buy the things I need and maybe go on vacation.

I have a good man in my life, but my life doesn't center around him. He's important and I love him, I see us together for a long time, but I have other things that I enjoy and other people who I care about. I don't see my boyfriend as the only person in my universe, just one of the most important.

I have a great friend who I love and would do anything for, and were she nearer we would be inseparable. She is one of those people who I know would have my back at any cost, and I tell her more things then possibly even Karl. I love her to bits.

I have a lot to be thankful for, I think.

Blog changes!

I've been fiddling with my layout a bit. I really like the new background. :)

I make a lot of things on photoshop, being graphic design and all, do I really like this a lot. the black and little splashes of color with the white text look really neat. I'm in the process of making a banner and maybe editing some more backgrounds to make them more blog-friendly. I don't like the big line that cuts off one part from the other. Maybe some blending...Hmmm...

Ah, So much fun.

Oh man, I'm a loser. *UPDATED*

So I was reading this post while the teacher was doing attendance.

Teacher- George?
George- Here.
Teacher- Amber?
Amber- Here.
Teacher- Tamara?
Me- Spiders. I mean here!

Oh yeah man. I'm awesome.

*edit*