Everything sucks sometimes. (Major angst alert)

I've been so stressed and depressed lately. Nothing seems to be going right, and the things that do go right are marred by the things that don't. I'm tired and sad and even when it seems like I'm not, I am. And it's all kind of boiled down to now, sitting upstairs while my boyfriend is sleeping downstairs because he won't talk to me about what I need to talk about, feeling embarrassed because I grabbed a pajama top with some sort of stain-- probably applesauce-- on it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have no real close friends anymore, no one in the vacinity who I can grab a hot chocolate with and sit down and just cry. I've got Laura, yes, and she is lovely in all of her British wonderfulness, but I can't just dump on her, because she has a lot of her own problems.

K is sick of my problems apparently, so I can't talk to her anymore and even when I can, it is tinged by all the arguments we've been having. Did I tell you she went back to the girlfriend of K? She did. Didn't last more then two days but apparently it has nothing to do with me and her.

I'm sick still. I haven't slept properly in two weeks, my boss is a douche.... I just feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I thought tonight would make things better, maybe I could have a real talk with The Boyfriend about things and maybe tell him how I've been feeling about everything, but all I've gotten is a marathon of big bang theory and a 'Okay, goodnight I guess'. All I want if for him to come up here and hug me and tell me everything will turn out and I'll be okay. But I haven't gotten that.

At the same time I'm angry. Angry at him for not being what I need, not realizing I need him to talk to. Angry at K for the girlfriend of K and not knowing the girl she's decided to date is stupid for ever needing anything besides K and her lovely wonderful perfectness. But I'm mostly angry at myself. I get myself into all kinds of stupid trouble and I shouldn't be moping about like a 16-year old. I'm 20. I'm supposed to be a fucking adult. But it feels like I can't get my fucking act in gear and I hate myself for it.

That's what it kind of comes down to. I hate myself. I'm fat and unattractive and stupid. I'm incapable of running my own life and even when I try to forewarn people about my mistakes, they don't listen. I have no real talents to give me a guide with what my life should be. Everyone usually has that one thing that they both excel at and love, but I don't. I'm not good at math or science. I'm creative, but my creativity doesn't match my skill level and when I try to fix that the results are so horrible that I give up, it feels like there's no point in trying. I'm not overly smart and I'm not incredibly funny, I tread this fine line between good at a lot of things and bad at a lot of things.

The only real skill I have is writing, and even then it's only creative writing. I'm bad at essays or analytical paragraphs or anything that could feasibly make me money. I'm a good writer but not great, but I'm not bad enough to come up with some self-obsessed bullshit like twilight.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

*sigh* This is what the people want. Apparently fatal flaws and personality mean nothing, teenagers want a blank and meaningless person to project themselves onto. Sadly I am incapable of this.

I'm kind of incapable all around, aren't I?

:(

Still friggen sick!

I only realized this weekend that I don't post much when I'm not going to school. Usually that's because I'm working and blogging before hand feels forced, but i had no excuse yesterday--No work! I actually got a Sunday off for once!

But because I was still sick and miserable on Saturday I did a horrible job closing and I just know it's going to come back and bite me in the ass. Of course I could try to tell them it was only partially my fault, Xal called me at seven twenty-one in the morning to ask if I was coming in for my shift---At three in the afternoon.

Yeah, it's the little things people. The little things make me hate individuals.

Anyway, I have to leave for class now, but before I go, a little something to start your day.



Mumph. Oh yeah baby :D

Bah

I don't have a lot of time to post, because Ashleigh didn't come in to work and my shift has been changed from 3-9 (Which I was excited about) to 12:30-9. I could have said no I can't work it, but my mom would get all pissy and I don't feel like dealing with that. I'm just gonna go in.

Last night was the company Christmas party and I had a great time, It was worth the twenty-five bucks I paid, in my opinion. The Boyfriend went only because I wanted to, and he didn't dance as much as I did.... But he is a guy, so it's okay. He came up with me without much fuss when I wanted to dance and that makes me happier then he could ever imagine. :)

But tonight is my family Christmas party and I'm so sad I wont be there from start to finish. The Boyfriend said he would drive me home after work, and I'm hoping I can maybe leave at eight instead of nine. I might ask the assistant store manager that's on duty today, hopefully he says yes.

I'll post again later when I'm not so crunched for time.

RAWR

It's been a long time since I posted. Well not now, cause i just put something up, but I feel guilty. Every time I do something that isn't posting on here I feel it's a little bit of time wasted. So I'll do a bunch of updates at once! Wheeee!

Work has been hell lately, and the main reason for my lack of posting. I've worked four days in a row, which is crazy fro me, and there's a lot of pressure to preform well. Xal went on vacation for 11 days. This was a stupid thing for him to do, because the lobster tank is being taken out and sent to the company to be fixed, and the seafood manager--Not for the district, or the region, but for the country--Is coming in today. I spent all of last night polishing chrome and cleaning floors. The department looked great when I left, but I'm still paranoid that I didn't do a good enough job and I'm gonna get the girl who opened in trouble.

Everyone's been so stressed at work about this guy coming in that the pressure has trickled down from the store manager to the lowly part-timer (Me). It's ridiculous how much I scrubbed last night. I didn't even get to the cooler cause I started at 3, and it was a little worse because I haven't had a break from work in four days, each shift a closing and each at least six hours long. I haven't been able to hang out with The Boyfriend very long, or Laura at all. It makes me sad.

School isn't helping my stress level either. I'm getting a 90 in design writing, 87 in digital illustration, 73 in art of photography and a 68 in history of media. I'm pretty much failing the three other courses. I've been missing school because of my mom but I feel like every time i say it I'm making excuses. I'm just not handling the course load very well. Of course no one knows this, I don't talk about it to anyone but K. But I feel bad when I do because she's got her own things going on.

Mom...Well. She's lost all her hair now so she's been pretty down but she seems to be getting over it. And she had another Chemo treatment on Monday. She'll be sick today and tomorrow.

I'm not handling things well but I think most people think I am. I just really don't want to talk about it, and every time someone brings it up I do my best to answer their questions and change the subject in the most impolite way possible. If I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up. I don't want to be grilled. And while I understand they're just concerned it doesn't change the fact that I'm not really comfortable talking about it. Except with K. And The Boyfriend, though he doesn't know it. He's pretty much the best boyfriend ever and I'm so lucky to have someone willing to drop everything to be my knight in shining armor, or to deal with the times I just randomly snap at him because I'm stressed and he's there. I love him so much...

Bah, now I sound sappy. And I want cuddles. Pah.

Xal returns.

So now I'm being informed that I have to be available on Fridays.

I have Fridays off because of school and my Show, Supernatural. I've had it booked off for the past two months, because I can't work on Fridays.

However Xal, who hasn't had a problem with this for the past two months, is now calling the union and making sure that I have to be available on Friday so he can try to fire me.

Apparently my schedule has to be 'You are available Friday, Saturday and Sunday as well as one day throughout the week'. Never mind that I'm available every other day besides Friday, and that it's been two months that I've had it booked off and it's only now that this has become a problem. He never booked me on Fridays before anyway, so I didn't think this would be an issue.

However now it has, and this is a huge problem. School and Show are more important to me then Xal and the fucking seafood department, but it's so hard to find a job right now that I don't know what to do. Do I sacrifice my grades and the one thing I go out of my way to do, or do I submit to Xal.

I've told Xal that Show is actually night school, to try and keep him from going this far, but apparently it doesn't matter. Now that I think about it, telling him that wouldn't have helped because he's a douche and wants me to lose my job, so I don't know why I even bothered with the lie. I could have told him it was for my AA meetings and he still would've been a little bitch about it.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start looking for a new job. My biggest problem with it is I need to transfer my resume over to my laptop from the old home computer, which barely works anymore and is downright stupid. It takes ages to do anything on it and never seems to do exactly what you want it to. I'm really not looking forwards to using it.