Well Jezze

The Boyfriend told me I should watch this video by Katey Perry, because apparently the song and video are both ridiculous.

I watched it and couldn't help feeling all squishy inside, epically with what has been going on with me lately. It really touched me...So I'm posting it to make those feelings appear in others.

:D

Everything sucks sometimes. (Major angst alert)

I've been so stressed and depressed lately. Nothing seems to be going right, and the things that do go right are marred by the things that don't. I'm tired and sad and even when it seems like I'm not, I am. And it's all kind of boiled down to now, sitting upstairs while my boyfriend is sleeping downstairs because he won't talk to me about what I need to talk about, feeling embarrassed because I grabbed a pajama top with some sort of stain-- probably applesauce-- on it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have no real close friends anymore, no one in the vacinity who I can grab a hot chocolate with and sit down and just cry. I've got Laura, yes, and she is lovely in all of her British wonderfulness, but I can't just dump on her, because she has a lot of her own problems.

K is sick of my problems apparently, so I can't talk to her anymore and even when I can, it is tinged by all the arguments we've been having. Did I tell you she went back to the girlfriend of K? She did. Didn't last more then two days but apparently it has nothing to do with me and her.

I'm sick still. I haven't slept properly in two weeks, my boss is a douche.... I just feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I thought tonight would make things better, maybe I could have a real talk with The Boyfriend about things and maybe tell him how I've been feeling about everything, but all I've gotten is a marathon of big bang theory and a 'Okay, goodnight I guess'. All I want if for him to come up here and hug me and tell me everything will turn out and I'll be okay. But I haven't gotten that.

At the same time I'm angry. Angry at him for not being what I need, not realizing I need him to talk to. Angry at K for the girlfriend of K and not knowing the girl she's decided to date is stupid for ever needing anything besides K and her lovely wonderful perfectness. But I'm mostly angry at myself. I get myself into all kinds of stupid trouble and I shouldn't be moping about like a 16-year old. I'm 20. I'm supposed to be a fucking adult. But it feels like I can't get my fucking act in gear and I hate myself for it.

That's what it kind of comes down to. I hate myself. I'm fat and unattractive and stupid. I'm incapable of running my own life and even when I try to forewarn people about my mistakes, they don't listen. I have no real talents to give me a guide with what my life should be. Everyone usually has that one thing that they both excel at and love, but I don't. I'm not good at math or science. I'm creative, but my creativity doesn't match my skill level and when I try to fix that the results are so horrible that I give up, it feels like there's no point in trying. I'm not overly smart and I'm not incredibly funny, I tread this fine line between good at a lot of things and bad at a lot of things.

The only real skill I have is writing, and even then it's only creative writing. I'm bad at essays or analytical paragraphs or anything that could feasibly make me money. I'm a good writer but not great, but I'm not bad enough to come up with some self-obsessed bullshit like twilight.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

*sigh* This is what the people want. Apparently fatal flaws and personality mean nothing, teenagers want a blank and meaningless person to project themselves onto. Sadly I am incapable of this.

I'm kind of incapable all around, aren't I?

:(

Bah

I don't have a lot of time to post, because Ashleigh didn't come in to work and my shift has been changed from 3-9 (Which I was excited about) to 12:30-9. I could have said no I can't work it, but my mom would get all pissy and I don't feel like dealing with that. I'm just gonna go in.

Last night was the company Christmas party and I had a great time, It was worth the twenty-five bucks I paid, in my opinion. The Boyfriend went only because I wanted to, and he didn't dance as much as I did.... But he is a guy, so it's okay. He came up with me without much fuss when I wanted to dance and that makes me happier then he could ever imagine. :)

But tonight is my family Christmas party and I'm so sad I wont be there from start to finish. The Boyfriend said he would drive me home after work, and I'm hoping I can maybe leave at eight instead of nine. I might ask the assistant store manager that's on duty today, hopefully he says yes.

I'll post again later when I'm not so crunched for time.

Whootwhoot.

So I took a pretty quick catnap after class today, in between getting picked up by The Boyfriend and arriving at his house. He put on Fallout: New Vegas and played that while I slept--Until four. Holy crap man, I got there around one. a three hour catnap.

I only woke up because the Boyfriend put his freezing video gamer hands on my tummy to wake me up to go to Doug's house. Do you know who Doug is? No? I'll tell you.

Doug is The Boyfriends best friend who I was told about so many times before I actually met him. At the time The Boyfriend hadn't seen Doug for almost a year but still considered him his best friend, and I was pretty much told I wouldn't like Doug but he was a huge nerd and therefore awesome.

Only the second half was true. Doug is funny and mean but great. He's...You know House? The doctor? He's like that but not quite. He loves Soundgarden and Tool and Grunge bands.



This video is so creepy but he just watched it so I wanna see.

Anywho, The Boyfriend bought Doug some rum and the two of them are drinking it while I'm the DD. This is our communal birthday meet-up which has consisted of us listening to grunge music and watching some Futurama while waiting for Pizza, it's pretty fun. I'm not a big drinker anyway so I'm okay with not partaking in the alcohol. Plus I get to watch the two of them wrestle so... Yay :) Epically since Doug is Bi---He used to be gay but then he got a girlfriend who he had a lot of sex with, so now he's apparently bi. Good for him.

Anyway, he's rather fantastic and he demanded I write a blog post about him, and he's much more entertaining when drunk. The Boyfriend and Doug together just make the day that much better.

WHOO POSTER!

LOOKIT!

It's my type poster. I love it. :)

Blog changes!

I've been fiddling with my layout a bit. I really like the new background. :)

I make a lot of things on photoshop, being graphic design and all, do I really like this a lot. the black and little splashes of color with the white text look really neat. I'm in the process of making a banner and maybe editing some more backgrounds to make them more blog-friendly. I don't like the big line that cuts off one part from the other. Maybe some blending...Hmmm...

Ah, So much fun.

Oh man, I'm a loser. *UPDATED*

So I was reading this post while the teacher was doing attendance.

Teacher- George?
George- Here.
Teacher- Amber?
Amber- Here.
Teacher- Tamara?
Me- Spiders. I mean here!

Oh yeah man. I'm awesome.

*edit*

WWQ---Commitment post

I can't give any details, but I'm starting a WWQ with Katie on Monday, and I think I'm going to do the updates every two days.

Part of the WWQ is we can't discuss it with others---So here is the format for the posts.

Day-(Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday)

Did you cheat?
K-Yes/No
Tamara-Yes/No

Which rule did you break?
K-(Number of rule broken if applicable)
Tamara-(Number of rule broken if applicable)

Punishment
K-(Punishment given if applicable)
Tamara-(Punishment given if applicable)

Side notes
This will include rules that may be adjusted, previous punishments and the reactions to them, and anything else that will make us laugh and encourage us.

Numbers, anyone?
K-(Number)
Tamara-(Number)