Everything sucks sometimes. (Major angst alert)

I've been so stressed and depressed lately. Nothing seems to be going right, and the things that do go right are marred by the things that don't. I'm tired and sad and even when it seems like I'm not, I am. And it's all kind of boiled down to now, sitting upstairs while my boyfriend is sleeping downstairs because he won't talk to me about what I need to talk about, feeling embarrassed because I grabbed a pajama top with some sort of stain-- probably applesauce-- on it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have no real close friends anymore, no one in the vacinity who I can grab a hot chocolate with and sit down and just cry. I've got Laura, yes, and she is lovely in all of her British wonderfulness, but I can't just dump on her, because she has a lot of her own problems.

K is sick of my problems apparently, so I can't talk to her anymore and even when I can, it is tinged by all the arguments we've been having. Did I tell you she went back to the girlfriend of K? She did. Didn't last more then two days but apparently it has nothing to do with me and her.

I'm sick still. I haven't slept properly in two weeks, my boss is a douche.... I just feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I thought tonight would make things better, maybe I could have a real talk with The Boyfriend about things and maybe tell him how I've been feeling about everything, but all I've gotten is a marathon of big bang theory and a 'Okay, goodnight I guess'. All I want if for him to come up here and hug me and tell me everything will turn out and I'll be okay. But I haven't gotten that.

At the same time I'm angry. Angry at him for not being what I need, not realizing I need him to talk to. Angry at K for the girlfriend of K and not knowing the girl she's decided to date is stupid for ever needing anything besides K and her lovely wonderful perfectness. But I'm mostly angry at myself. I get myself into all kinds of stupid trouble and I shouldn't be moping about like a 16-year old. I'm 20. I'm supposed to be a fucking adult. But it feels like I can't get my fucking act in gear and I hate myself for it.

That's what it kind of comes down to. I hate myself. I'm fat and unattractive and stupid. I'm incapable of running my own life and even when I try to forewarn people about my mistakes, they don't listen. I have no real talents to give me a guide with what my life should be. Everyone usually has that one thing that they both excel at and love, but I don't. I'm not good at math or science. I'm creative, but my creativity doesn't match my skill level and when I try to fix that the results are so horrible that I give up, it feels like there's no point in trying. I'm not overly smart and I'm not incredibly funny, I tread this fine line between good at a lot of things and bad at a lot of things.

The only real skill I have is writing, and even then it's only creative writing. I'm bad at essays or analytical paragraphs or anything that could feasibly make me money. I'm a good writer but not great, but I'm not bad enough to come up with some self-obsessed bullshit like twilight.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

*sigh* This is what the people want. Apparently fatal flaws and personality mean nothing, teenagers want a blank and meaningless person to project themselves onto. Sadly I am incapable of this.

I'm kind of incapable all around, aren't I?

:(

Hmmmmph

Fist snowfall of winter was yesterday everyone!

Anyway. I'm pretty tired lately and I think its the stress of exam times and being sick combined. I feel like I could just sleep for hours and hours.

That's all I feel like writing. You see!? Usually I would go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about why and how I feel tired, but instead, I'm going to go read cracked.com for awhile.

I have bronchitis. RUN FROM ME IN FEAR.

Bronchitis is inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchi, the airways that carry airflow from the trachea into the lungs. Bronchitis can be classified into two categories, acute and chronic, each of which has unique etiologies, pathologies, and therapies.

Acute bronchitis is characterized by the development of a cough, with or without the production of sputum, mucus that is expectorated (coughed up) from the respiratory tract. Acute bronchitis often occurs during the course of an acute viral illness such as the common cold or influenza. Viruses cause about 90% of cases of acute bronchitis while bacteria account for less than 10%.^[1]

Chronic bronchitis, a type of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, is characterized by the presence of a productive cough that lasts for 3 months or more per year for at least 2 years. Chronic bronchitis most often develops due to recurrent injury to the airways caused by inhaled irritants. Cigarette smoking is the most common cause, followed by air pollution and occupational exposure to irritants, and cold air.

Still friggen sick!

I only realized this weekend that I don't post much when I'm not going to school. Usually that's because I'm working and blogging before hand feels forced, but i had no excuse yesterday--No work! I actually got a Sunday off for once!

But because I was still sick and miserable on Saturday I did a horrible job closing and I just know it's going to come back and bite me in the ass. Of course I could try to tell them it was only partially my fault, Xal called me at seven twenty-one in the morning to ask if I was coming in for my shift---At three in the afternoon.

Yeah, it's the little things people. The little things make me hate individuals.

Anyway, I have to leave for class now, but before I go, a little something to start your day.



Mumph. Oh yeah baby :D

*Is Miserable*

I'm sick. It's the unpleasant truth. It's mostly in my throat and head but my stomach has been upset with the world for a few days too. I don't know if it's related to my throat problems or not but I'm willing to wager it is.

The only reason I'm choking down a couple of Advil and sucking on a hall is because I'm pretty sure today is the in-class writing assignment in my design writing class, and the professor said the only way you can miss it is if your doctor writes a note saying you weren't allowed to drag your IV into the class. Keeping that in mind, sick me is going to go in. I won't be happy about it, but I'll go.

Whenever I'm sick I always get that strange sensation that everyone and everything around me exist in a light fog. Like my mom, standing taking the nail polish off her fingernails. There's a strange quality of unreality to her movements.

I'm never sure if this is a high from medicine or my brain seeing things oddly while sick, but it's not a pleasant experience. It's like I'm the only normal one and everyone else is a little off. A little slower then they're supposed to be and a little blurry, like when i have one contact in and one out.

Of course I know it's me who is a little off. But it feels like it's the rest of the world and maybe that's okay when you're sick.