Why chocolate is better then..

Sex.

See, chocolate is amazing. Chocolate is better then almost everything. And right now, I think chocolate is better then sex. Why, you ask?

You can have chocolate basically whenever you want.

Think about your favorite kind of chocolate. Just picture it in your head. I'm waiting, don't worry. Is it the lush and velvety but refreshingly classic Jersey milk chocolate? Is it the bouncy and addicting Areo bar? Does the sweet burst of caramel make you crave a single square from the Caramilk bar of your dreams?

No think of the closest 24-hour connivance store. Think of the things you can buy there. Is your favorite chocolate bar there? I bet it is. I bet it's sitting on the rack under the counter with the (for some reason) incredibly alert ethnic person behind it. I bet it's calling your name right now.

I also bet you can get in your car, right this very second, and drive there. And buy one. And eat it.

Not so with sex, depending on who you are. If you're single and not overly promiscuous you're pretty much stuck by yourself (though that's not always bad). If you are a bit of a slut, call up your favorite booty call at four in the morning on a Tuesday night, see how receptive they are.

If you're in a committed long term relationship I hope it's not long distance, because calling someone long-distance for phone sex is expensive, and plane tickets are even worse. If they are close you're going to have to make sure no one's parents or siblings are home (And believe me, someone is always home). If you're at the age where you don't live with the parental units then great! But do you have roommates? Or thin walls?

If you live together and have no kids then congrats, you are the couple most likely to have sex. Just not too late cause you have work in the morning.

You can easily control your enjoyment of chocolate.

Now I'm assuming you have your chocolate. If not, go get some. Or just use your fantastic imagination.

Look at it. In it's clean, crisp wrapper. It's calling to you. You're going to open it. Are you going to tare the wrapper in two while your muscles bulge and you scream in triumph? Are you going to slowly and lovingly remove that wrapper and savor the wonderful smell of it?

Take your first bite, and savory each second that it slowly melts on your tongue. Enjoy it as long as you can. Every wonderful, melted second is a second of joy.

Now for this second bite I want you to eat pretty much half of the entire bar. Just rip into it and consume it. Make that chocolate bar your bitch.

Now look at your lover and try to make him your bitch. Maybe not now, because it's one in the morning and he's probably sleeping. Do some kinky S&M stuff. I suggest blindfolding him and gagging him before he wakes up. What? He didn't like it? He's not in 'The mood'. Well what does he want?

Oh, he wants tender and gentle. Well... But you're not in the mood for that, are you?

But you do want sex. So you're gonna go along with him? Okay. I mean, it's not what you want, but I guess...

But even if you do want gentle loving 'connections' it's not guaranteed, is it? If he's playing a video game giving him a back rub or nuzzling him might be mistaken as just affection. Rubbing fun places is more brazen, but sometimes not enough to *stimulate*. You could just ask, but...That ruins a bit of it, doesn't it? Not a lot, mind you, but you want something like the (romance) novel you just read. Telling someone what to do wasn't in this particular book. Alan, the rich, handsome, cold widower and his sudden flaming desire for his chef Michelle was, and dammit you want to re-enact the scene when he does nasty things on the table while professing his undying love.

Which reminds me..

You can't have sex anywhere.

Say you bought two bars of chocolate for today because dammit, you felt like indulging. You can stick that bar in your purse or satchel (I don't judge, man) and bring it to work with you. You can chow down on the train and just enjoy that little bar of happy for awhile. Board meetings, school, at home or on a plane, you can eat it practically anywhere.

Can you have sex at a pleasant meeting with the in-laws? Can sex truly be enjoyed in the middle of class? Not unless you live in WWW.NAUGHTYAMERICA.COM

Sure, sex has human connection. And chocolate has calories and things that make you fat. But honestly? Chocolate is sometimes much better, and much easier.

*Loves Caramilk like WOAH*